


Doubt and Assurance

by Arrysa



Series: Worst Meeting [2]
Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Drama, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Psychological Drama, Rape Aftermath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-30 23:22:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5183567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arrysa/pseuds/Arrysa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dream is a manifestation of desire or fear, even in doubt Sai will continue staying by Hikaru's side to assure the boy, to make the boy stay grounded on his feet. And along the way, Hikaru will be a strong individual and… after that will Hikaru still need him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubt and Assurance

**Author's Note:**

> English ain't my mother tongue, typos and errors are given.

The said little boy sat up straight in an instance with a gasp, sweat covering his forehead as it drips slowly down onto his chin, his eyes dilated and he have that wild look on his face as he breathes deeply, trying yet failing miserably to control his thumping heart - to stop himself from thinking about the dream he just had. He immediately looks around to find his resident ghost as for the reason why he does not know, he just wants to see him right now - he needs to.

Immediately snapping his head around his gaze immediately landed at the worried face of Sai looking at him, right arm raised in an attempt to reach out to him but Sai didn't continue that track of action when Hikaru smiled at him wanly. "Sai.." He murmurs his name, his voice hoarse that made him cough in an attempt to adjust his voice and to not sound scared. Sai sat on his bed, next to him, throwing him a concerned look and asked, "Are you okay, Hikaru?"

Sai stared at his protégé, wanting to pull the younger boy for a reassuring hug but he hold back when Hikaru smiled at him with that painful smile, as if telling him that he shouldn't worry any more than he already is. His protégé is growing up to be a strong individual and along the way Hikaru is trying not to rely on his presence, to grow attach to him even more but that is the frightening thing. Will there be a day when Hikaru will not need him anymore? The thought frightens him in a way that made his ghostly heart clench in a supposed to be nonexistence heartache.

"Yeah. Just had a bad dream Sai, its nothing." Hikaru reassured his resident ghost with a wan smile, yet his eyes holds that tired and scared look making it obvious to the ghost that he is actually freaked out by his dream.

Hikaru knows that he is both lying to himself and to Sai, who is he kidding? It is obvious he is freaked out, hell he is still afraid of that freaking disturbing dream he just had. God, who wouldn't? When he just had a dream where he was practically being harassed slash raped on his dream? And yet now, seeing Sai after having that kind of dream makes him feel a bit better because Sai's presence alone soothes him but he wouldn't say it aloud. Sai is still throwing that look of disbelief at him, not wanting his resident ghost to be worried for him, he muttered out loud "Ah~ I'm getting sleepy, gotta go back to sleep. Night, Sai." And with that said, he covered himself with the blanket in an attempt for Sai to not see his inner turmoil.

 _'Hikaru..'_ Sai thought worriedly as he saw the boy said that he wanted to go back to sleep but he knows that Hikaru will not be able to sleep, with a frown he saw the boy covered himself with the blanket and he finally said "Goodnight, Hikaru." He said it in a resigned way, and he moves on the floor and sat in seiza and stares at the covered with curtain glass window and then to the covered with the blanket little boy. 'Hikaru looks so small..' Sai thought to himself 'yet so brave.' He added with a sad smile.

* * *

The night they went back home after  _that_  was still fresh on his mind, Hikaru was downright terrified that he was sobbing while hiding behind a tree and Sai's heart clenched at that sight.

Hikaru is leaning against a tree, as if hiding with his life on the line, afraid of being caught by the monster lurking behind the same tree. With eyes closed, his eyes shut tightly in an attempt to supress his anxiety, Hikaru remained glued at his hiding position, arms giving a light tremor, lips curled into a thin line with his teeth biting at his lower lip, he remained like that as if not breathing as well. Sai knows they are away now, away from  _that_  person gaze but Hikaru. Oh poor thing, he is so spooked that Sai is afraid to get the child out of it, lest it worsen his emotional turmoil but Sai knows it is not healthy and he need to get Hikaru clothed or he might catch a cold in this condition.

"We're away now, Hikaru. You're safe now." Sai said so softly, so warmly to this spooked child as to assure him, to make him believe him this time. Hikaru slowly opens his eyes as if waking from a dream, confusion written all over his face, eyes still a bit doubtful. Upon noticing this Sai forced himself to smile, eyes set with unknown determination. "You are safe now, Hikaru. Everything will be alright now." Sai look at his protégé and the said protégé looks at him and nods, he has a smile on his face but his eyes betray that emotion so well. Sai knows that this reaction from Hikaru is wrong, he need to vent out his frustration but Hikaru is just looking at anything as if in trance and it is no good, he need to pull his protégé away from this path, he need to pull this boy grounded onto his feet.

Hikaru nods at Sai when he said that he is now safe, yet he felt different – he feels empty as if his soul was torn away from his shell of a body, his body ache, his butt hurts like hell he can feel all that but he felt shallow as if a deep hole has been carved on his heart, taking it away and not returning it to him. He looks down to himself, hickeys, bite marks, red angry hand-like impression on his hips, he look taken aback by his appearance. He wonders how he can hide all those from the prying eyes of his mother, but as the thought crossed his mind in a second, it immediately passes by and forgotten. The thought was silly, it was very ridiculous, everything is ridiculous and it makes him smile, he looks at his hips with a distant gaze, futilely counting the marks he can find yet losing the count along the way. He stares at his hand, at his disgusting hands. He wonders, is this really his hands? Why does it feel so foreign to him as if he is wearing a wool skin and the thought made him shudder yet his smile is still plastered on his face. He lifts his gaze in a seemingly exhausted motion and his gaze lingers at Sai's face, he stares at his resident ghost on the eyes and as he does so, he saw it. He saw himself and it made his lips form into a frown as he made a step back and he staggers on his feet.

"No way.. No.." he couldn't believe it, why does he look so..pitiful? Sai made a motion as if to reach out to him, his face full of worry and was it helplessness on his eyes as well? Hikaru stumbles on his feet and it made him sit on the ground with a thud, the impact hurt but he didn't mind it at all but he felt it, something still sticky is inside him. He looks down at himself with horror and his gaze caught drops of sticky white thing that came out of him. His eyes widen and all of the sudden his stomach churned with disgust making him throw up.

Sai is hovering over his protégé, hands on his protégé's back trying to soothe him, his lips curled in a thin line and he forced himself to remain composed and failing at it as well. When Hikaru looks at him with that empty gaze, he just looks at his protégé, his eyes glistening with helplessness as he stares at the state Hikaru is in – he looks so lost. Sai knows that this need to stop, Hikaru shouldn't think any more than this. He wanted to reassure his protégé that's why he decided to reach out his hands in an attempt to pull the younger boy into a reassuring hug but before his hands made a contact to his protégé, Hikaru took a step backward as if running from him – himself. And when Sai saw the emotion that flickers on Hikaru's face, he is partly happy because it is quite alright, Hikaru need to realize this sooner than later. He walks towards the now sitting child on the ground, deciding now to soothe him and that's when Hikaru started throwing up on the ground. Sai was immediately on his side, running his hands against Hikaru's back in an attempt to reassure the boy.

* * *

Now walking out of the park, the fully clothed Shindou Hikaru along with his resident ghost are on their way back home as if nothing happened. Sai throwing Hikaru a look every now and then and Hikaru just shrugging off Sai's action, Hikaru can feel the pain on his body and he just wanted to lie down on his soft bed and just sleep but he shouldn't do that now, he need to get home.

"Hikaru.." Sai murmured in an attempt to change his protégé's mind.

"Sai, don't." Hikaru said with an annoyed voice as he continue to walk as normally as he can. Sai sighed at the sight and at the way Hikaru brushed off his protest but he can be as stubborn as he is. "But Hikaru, you should tell your mother." Sai tries to reason out to Hikaru, and the said boy just continued walking yet he walked faster as if trying to run away from this conversation. "Hikaru!" Sai walks alongside to Hikaru, his gaze lingering at the facial expression of his protégé to see an opening that he can attack. "You should tell your mother." Sai tries to reason again to Hikaru and added "What will you do if it happens again? Will you remain a coward? Will you become afraid every time you see  _him_?" Sai spat the last word with venom as if it is a trash he so badly wanted to get rid of yet he couldn't.

Hikaru stopped on his steps, turned to Sai and stares at his resident ghost and glared at him and said in an angry voice "I am not a coward." His hands clenched into a fist, his eyes a bit watery, his lips curled into a thin line and his legs gives a light tremor. Sai stared at his protégé and really stared at him, then he made a closing motion with his fan and said in a soft voice "Then, what do you call of remaining silent, Hikaru?"

Hikaru gulped at Sai's statement yet he wouldn't look away, he wouldn't back down, he is determined with his decision even if Sai doesn't see his point, he would bring his  _disgusting_  secret to the grave no matter what happens. He vows to any deity around. When Hikaru didn't respond to his accusation Sai continued with a soft voice "I know that you do not want to be in a lot of trouble as it may ruin your life now but it is wrong Hikaru. I.. just don't want you to suffer anymore.." 'Because I couldn't help you no matter how much I wish since I am a ghost.' Sai thought the last sentences to himself as he stares at his protégé, eyes gleaming with unshed tears yet he stares straight ahead at Hikaru as he holds his fan tightly.

 _'Sai..'_ Hikaru thought out loud for Sai to hear, his eyes softening at Sai's words yet he knows himself that he already made a decision; Sai will not be able to change his mind no matter what. He opens his mouth as if to say something to his resident ghost but Sai got ahead of him, "But you already made a decision, Hikaru." Sai let out a sad smile his voice resigned that he couldn't change his protégé's mind, and he stares at Hikaru with renewed determination as if to support the young child. "Let's go home now, Hikaru." He said it with a bright smile like a bright rainbow after the rain yet at the back of his mind he knows that starting today, Hikaru's life will change direction and he knows that no matter how much he continue supporting this child, he is not enough to heal the part of his heart that was already carved broken.

* * *

When Hikaru went home after  _that_ , his mother was eying him weirdly but he shrugged it off as nonchalantly as he could. His mother inquired like a mother hen she can be but he answered her as swiftly and as uncaringly in his Hikaru way to not be seen weak, to not be caught. He immediately went to take a shower, wanting to get rid of the  _soil_  that were stuck on his skin and to thoroughly clean himself, as he told his mother that he will take a shower he also asked for his favourite food –ramen- using his loud and obnoxious voice to further continue his little lie. Sai is remaining silent even after he took a shower, and even until he went back to his room to sleep and he is getting fed up with that. With a flop on the bed, he crossed his leg that made him hiss at the pain on his butt that made Sai immediately hovers in front of him, waving his arms in an attempt to ask him if he is okay. Hikaru hissed and grumble as an answer as if irritated at Sai's overreacting tendency of inquiring on his condition yet they both know he doesn't literally mean it. He then looks up to his resident ghost and totally look at him, and flashed him a mischievous grin and said in a loud voice, "Goodnight Sai." Sai stared at him worriedly but opted to go along his way and answered "Goodnight, Hikaru." And with that said, Hikaru laid down his bed and tries to sleep while Sai faces the closed window while sitting in seiza and deep in his thought.

* * *

And ever since  _then_ , Hikaru would wake up in the middle of the night with a gasp after having the same dream. The first night Hikaru had a bad dream was heart-breaking to say the least.

"Hikaru.. Hikaru.. Wake up, Hikaru.." Sai is hovering next to the sleeping form of his host, he wanted Hikaru to sleep deeply this night after they got home but he needed to wake Hikaru up from his nightmare.

Hikaru's face is covered with sweat, his brows furrowed downward in pain, his hands gripping at his blanket tightly and he was kicking and mumbling incoherent words under his breath. Sai's hand is resting on his host's shoulder, shaking the boys shoulder but the said boy still wouldn't wake up. Sai gritted his teeth and decided to scream on his host's ears to wake him up but before he can do so, Hikaru's eyes snap open.

He pants deeply, his eyes shut tightly and all he can hear is the thumping of his heart and he felt a hand on his shoulder that made his shoulder stiffen with fear and made him stop breathing as well, all he can hear is that his heart beats even faster than before. He doesn't want to open his eyes yet he did, and when he did all he saw is the worried face of Sai, staring at him with a close proximity and mouthing words he can not hear, when seconds passes, Sai's words begun to clear. "..re you okay now? Hikaru?" Sai's voice is laced with worry, his eyes glistening as he stares at him.

"Hikaru..?" Sai softly said his host's name, he is aware that Hikaru is currently lost right now. When he reaches out his hands earlier, Hikaru stiffen and it made his eyes wide because it felt like a rejection on Hikaru's part even though he knows Hikaru didn't mean any of it. "Are you okay now, Hikaru?" He repeated the same question again, hoping that Hikaru will get out of his trance this time. He stares at Hikaru's eyes, trying to look past the child eyes because even if he can hear Hikaru's thought, right now he couldn't hear a thing and it is making him worry even more. "..Sai?" After the seemingly long silence, Hikaru finally said something yet his voice, it sounded exhausted as if he lived a long eternal life that he grow tired of humanity and it pulled at Sai's ghostly heart string that made him gulp down and he decided to cradle the small boy on his arms. Hikaru stiffen at first but he gradually relaxed even if a little bit. "..Sai?" Hikaru whispered, now a bit alert with his surrounding yet his voice still hold that melancholic quality on it. "Hikaru, do you want to play blind go?" Sai finally asked, lips curled upward into a thin smile yet his eyes give the opposite story. "Go again, Sai?" Hikaru said with an amused voice. Sai thought that it is a good sign. "You just want to trounce me again, don't you Sai?." Hikaru added with an amused voice, slightly teasing his resident ghost and Sai pouted at that statement that made Hikaru chuckle softly which is another good sign, Sai noted.

* * *

The nights after the first night is different but still heart breaking and the cycle keep repeating.

"!" Hikaru sat up straight, sweat covering his face, his heart is thumping so fast, and his eyes wide with panic. Sai immediately on his side, hovering over him, telling him reassurance but Hikaru couldn't hear any of it, as if his heart was next to his ears as the only thing he can hear is the beating of his heart that is so fast as if it wants to leap from its owner as if to leave him behind as well. His eyes blurs and it suddenly hit him, what if Sai left him? His eyes widens at the thought and before he knows it he is sobbing on his hands, with his knees curled in a ball and the memories of the dream made it feel more real, more painful and more heart-breaking. He wouldn't be able to bear it.

"Sai.." he mumbled the name of his resident ghost and it made his heart tightens even more, making him cry his heart out. "Sai.." Hikaru can feel the ghostly embrace as Sai hugs him, as if protecting him from the monster under the bed. Sai's presence near him slowly soothe his heartache and now he can hear Sai's warm yet sad voice whispering assurance to him, but the assurance he keeps saying fell on deaf ear as it is meaningless but the rhythm and the sound of Sai's voice is like a melody to his ear, just like a lullaby his mother sang for him when he is younger.

"Everything will be alright Hikaru. It is just a bad dream, I am here." Sai whispers all the assurance he wants to say to his protégé but he knows that all those assurance are lies. He stares at the small ball Hikaru is as he embraces him tightly, assuring him with his presence, when his words can't reach this boy he wishes that his presence alone is enough as an assurance to make this boy stay grounded on his feet. Hikaru's sobs gradually stops, yet the boy wouldn't look up. "Hikaru?" He whispers softly to his protégé's but the said boy didn't even stirs, his lips formed into a small smile at that, 'Hikaru is such a heavy sleeper when he wants to be.' Sai thought and it made him chuckles softly yet his eyes still holds that painful look on his face. He slowly let go of the child and Hikaru's body slid back to the bed, he wanted to tuck him under the blanket but he couldn't. He stares at the boy that is sleeping, he have tears on his face and his front hair is wet with tears, he reaches out his hand and brushes the strand away from Hikaru's peaceful sleeping face, from all the things he couldn't touch and affect, he is grateful to the Almighty God that he can touch and affect Hikaru.

Now looking at Hikaru's sleeping form, Sai silently vows to himself that he will continue helping the boy to make his carefree smile and attitude to remain just like before even if he is in doubt whether Hikaru will someday not need him anymore but he will bury that doubt on his mind because Hikaru needs him now and that's all that matter.

**Author's Note:**

> And that's how the sequel goes. I admit, it is really really OOC which is an understatement. I wrote this piece of shit while Im in the middle of cramming for my thesis and other school activities because I need to freaking unwind from all the stress and my way of unwinding is writing a dramatic shit. *facepalm* Seriously I need to get a life or something, I've been pretty obsess on that damn thesis. Anyway, how was this sequel? I really really would appreciate if I receive any feedback because it somehow motivates me. And lastly I might make another sequel for this sequel when I feel like it, just like what I did back in my high school days. XD I think I am better at writing oneshot rather than multi-chapter. So byebye fellas, I might greet you again if EVER I decided to make another sequel. Once again READ and REVIEW.


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